I’ve come to a place in my life where I am finally doing the things that 16-year old me could only dream about. I’m a semester away from my senior year of college, I’ve just returned from my first trip out of the country, I have friends across the States (many of them venturing overseas), and all the while I’m pursuing my passion for filmmaking. Now, I’d be doing myself a serious injustice if I said this doesn’t make me immensely happy. I’m approaching a chapter of life that makes most people cringe, but I refuse to look at it with anything but adventurous expectancy. Does student debt scare me? Abso-freakin-lutely. But, would I change anything about my experience at university and the people and places it’s brought me to? Not one bit. I am so ready to see what the future holds and I’m just excited about life, basically.
Now..you’re probably wondering where the title of this blog post comes into all this. At least I hope that’s what you’re thinking since I just spent an entire paragraph acknowledging the ways life is beautiful.
But, if I’m being completely honest, my arrival back in the States has been one of the hardest transitions I have ever been through. Jumping straight into classes, while recovering from jetlag and battling post-travel sickness, has brought me to the lowest I have been in quite some time–physically, mentally, and spiritually. I spent the last week feeling sorry for myself, something I’m really not accustomed to. Now I’m back in school? It seems a bit..superfluous, really. I mean, homework? I just went on this amazing adventure and coming to terms with the fact that it’s over has been really difficult. Partly because London itself was The most exciting, accepting, beautiful, historically-rich place I’ve ever been, but mostly because this was more than just a trip. It was my first true adventure.
I know, I know, I still haven’t gotten to the bit about the blog title, but I’m getting there. A few nights ago, as I was walking back from class..alone at night..trudging through the cold rain..pity party, table for one..I did what I usually do to occupy myself, call mom.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m feeling homesick, it’s usually the most general conversation topics that make me break down..so my mom is like, Have you been to the grocery store yet? and I’m all *tears* noo, because I’m back in America and I’m not even at home, and I’m sick and, and why am I still in school and and when can I go back…”
So, I finally broke. I cried about everything I’d been holding in over the past week. But her reaction isn’t quite what I expected. And really, I don’t even know what I was expecting in the first place. All I know is I felt like crying about it. We talked for a minute or two, but she wasn’t exactly giving me much sympathy. (If you’re reading this mom, don’t feel bad, you’re the spark for the epiphany that became this blog post.) After hanging up, I just sat in silence for several minutes trying to figure out how to convey my emotions in a more mature, productive manner. But I only came to one conclusion. That is I am spoiled. Not financially or with material possessions, but I have been blessed with more opportunities and wonderful people than I could have ever thought possible. I’ve gotten so wrapped up and excited about planning for the future that for the first time I’ve given up on what’s right in front of me. How dare I forget that?
The next day I woke up with a new attitude. My head was clear…no but literally, the sinus pressure was starting to subside so..my head was..in fact, clear.
Anywho, with less sickness and a more positive outlook, Hump Day was shaping up to be the best day I’ve had in America this year. And there wasn’t anything special to it…I had breakfast, went to French class, came back and had lunch. Oh! and then spent the afternoon chilling with friends rewatching the 4-part Rickshaw Run series from Jacksgap on YouTube.
I have no shame in saying this, those boys inspire me. Their passion for filmmaking and their excitement about life is exactly what keeps me going and it’s why I do what I do. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about click here……. It’ll make your day.)
So. To recap. I’ve been ungrateful. I was basically being a brat because I miss England and my mom reminded me that God has lots of adventurous things in my future, but for now I’m at a wonderful private university where I have the privilege of studying what I love and being surrounded by amazing friends in the process. I’ve, yet again, been humbled by my experience abroad and now I’m more grateful than ever.
If I’ve captured your attention this long..snaps for you! Hope you’ve enjoyed reading how I’ve been stepping on my own toes. Thanks for visiting.